Out in the Cold

Today's post would be like a journal entry. It will be filled with rants and personal thoughts. If you are uncomfortable with such, leave. You have been warned.

This trigger came about when I was invited to attend a small reunion with my cousins (to be hosted at my aunt's home). I felt terrified and am having second thoughts about confirming my attendance.

Background:

As a young student, I have been considered as weird by my peers. I always had an interest for things that a 'normal' person would not care for.

Come high school, I was still considered weird and geeky when I had to discuss the idea of nuclear fusion and fission in front of the class. I mean, the diagram was on the goddamned manila paper and I believe that I have explained the lesson in the simplest way possible. Nobody in the class seemed to appreciate, care, understand, nor learn save for the teacher. And yes, my classmates actually commented that I was weird after the presentation and the teacher had to tell them that the presentation was simple and on point.

A few weeks back, one of my best buds unceremoniously left one of our chat groups on Facebook. The reason was that he considered my commentary as 'toxic' whereas I was merely jesting to get a different view. Again, nobody commented, nobody backed me up, and nobody seemed to care.

Last month, I was in the presence of my cousins and they were discussing differences between generations. I chimed in with a bits of information and was immediately ridiculed as inebriated even though none of us had consumed any amount of alcohol.

I always thought that conversations with friends and family were safe spaces. It turns out that they are the most traumatic. I couldn't have cared less if such comments came from people that I do not know nor interact with, but to get these comments from people who 'know you' just hits different.

As a result, I have skipped this year's Christmas party with my friends out of fear of being ridiculed again. I cannot seem to contribute anything of substance to 'normal' conversations. I'm turning 40 next year and am genuinely concerned about how we do our reunions. It would be the same formula for every year. Food and alcohol coupled with redundant stories from the yesteryears.

I am a creature of habit. I love repetitions and routine, it makes life much simpler and efficient. However, I feel that my mind may start to rot too. I have very little to offer to conversations that stem from a TikTok video. Such are meant for 12-year-olds, not grown men. I cannot do this for the next 10 years. No progression. --No discussions about politics, history, culture, arts, science, philosophy, ideas, etc.

As mentioned in the previous post, I am not at all intelligent. But I fear that a lot more people out there are dumber. I have never paid much attention in school like a normal human being but why I am being dismissed as weird or drunk?

It may be that at my age, I am looking to make a positive impact on the few people that I know or maybe leave a good legacy. I often wonder if I should let my child be ignorant and blissful or teach her to use at least two brain cells and suffer in a world simpletons.

A good conversation with a friend about this topic ultimately ended with me having to adjust and 'blend in' with people. Cause it is the one who is different that gets left out in the cold.

PS: This sounds like a lot of work. And I find myself asking 'is it worth all the effort' to become socially acceptable? Maybe so... Cause if I am not, there may come a time that nobody would testify that I am 'normal' and I might end up in jail or a mental facility. Maybe I just have to realize that it isn't my duty to spread knowledge as it is deemed to be unsolicited advice. People nowadays are so confused between relevance and facts. Relevance in today's world means the number of engagements on a certain topic but it doesn't necessarily have to be factual or significant (see: social media personalities and the shit that they do).